Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
