I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
