I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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