Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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