my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
