I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
