you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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