i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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