never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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