Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize