My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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