he was CRYING into my vagina
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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