If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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