I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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