My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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