if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
