Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
