omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
