If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
