I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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