Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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