she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
