i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
