Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
