I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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