I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
