how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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