I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
