Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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