So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
