I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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