Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
