Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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