You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
