how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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