ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
