six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
