Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
