apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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