the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
