A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
