He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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