i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize