got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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