I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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