His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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