Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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