After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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