Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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