yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
