i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
