why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
