when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
