I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
