Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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