I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
