A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
