I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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