After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
