A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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