put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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