Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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